I know some of you have been wondering. If you ask me, here’s what I would say: I’m holding it together. I’m doing okay. I’m coping. I miss Paul. I’m keeping busy.
These are fine words. When I have these conversations live, I am distracted from feeling by talking. I am distracted from feeling by working. I am distracted from feeling by Netflix. But if you could access what I am actually feeling when I’m not distracted, it’s a different picture.
There are two modes of sadness that I cycle through. On one hand, I have a deep and painful sense of missing him. I’m reminded of this constantly, just by being in the house, seeing a photo, eating something, recalling a story. I’ve been through this before with the loss of my brother and then my father. From my earlier experiences I understand that time does help soften this emotion, but I have a long way to go before I can feel restful without Paul to share things with.
The bigger and more painful piece, that keeps trampling me when I least expect it, is the imprint on my brain of having watched him die. I was completely unprepared for this. Initially I thought it was just the last days that have been haunting me, but it goes back earlier than that. In an effort to cope with all the miseries Paul was experiencing, I think I channeled a protectively scientific interest in what was happening, and I felt a clinical responsibility to care for him. As a result, I have a thorough mental catalog of every painful physical detail. I can’t think of a word that describes the feeling I get when I review these details (which I do, naturally; I think I am fascinated by how brutal it feels) that doesn’t sound completely melodramatic.
So that’s how I’m doing. I’m not lonely, except for missing Paul. I have moments when I don’t understand how I am supposed to handle this, but they pass. I have animals to take care of, work and hobbies, friends and family to support and enjoy, and plenty of other things to distract me. One day, maybe the line between distraction and being happy will fade.
How About Now? 
💞
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Melissa. You amazingly eloquent writer. You suck me right in, every time you post a blog, I just don’t tell you every time. The first thing that made me cry was seeing Paul and Emmett. I read what you wrote thru those tears and although it was sad, the tears were also a bit of a release. It’s like I have a mental block to protect me from feeling that he is gone but occasionally something penetrates the block and then out comes the tears and with it a release. Your words got me good today. 🙂 Enough about me. I love your new blog and will avidly read every entry. Hugs to you. XOXO
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Thank you for sharing Melissa.
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Thank you. Honest, real.
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Beatiful expression and translation of your experience. You are amazing.
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Hi. I love you so much. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m out here reading, feeling, distracting, and sending you virtual squeezes. xx
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There are no maps to navigate grief and loss, but you seem to be open to a process that will get you to the other side. Being with grief, being with loss of a close loved one, is the only path for recovery and renewal. It is not easy and it is not quick, but being with your grief, sharing your grief, will take you to a point down the road where you will think not of loss but of joy of what you and Paul achieved in your joyful relationship. xoxo
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Dear Melissa,
I love how honest and powerful your writing is. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I hope you can grieve and find peace, and feel some version of happy again not so far down the road. I think about you a lot and will write you a proper letter very soon.
Big hug,
Sheri
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I love that you share this. It is so cathartic to hear your underneath feelings. I think it is what your friends think they want to hear when they ask how you are, but it is honest that in those moments it cannot be spoken- as you say in part because you are distracted from it. Thank you. Thinking of you❣️Xx
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Melissa,
Thank you for sharing your grief, and I hope you continue to do so. I know these early days can feel overwhelming, drowning almost. Be kind and patient with yourself. I think about you and Paul daily, and I hold you in my heart.
Much love.
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Thank you for sharing your journey, the pain and the tenderness.
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How about now? Yes, Melissa! Keep on sharing. Sending you strength and love.
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I have been wondering (especially on Rabbit Rabbit day), so thank you for the update and I look forward to more to come. Sending hugs your way.
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