This morning I couldn’t make myself get out of the shower. This made me think back to the times Paul refused to get out of the shower, and he would express his position on the matter by singing a made up song about himself, “Aqua Boy.” Sharing the tune and intellectual rigor of Homer Simpson’s Spider Pig, its lyrics were easily varied.
This memory didn’t make it easier to get out.
I’ve had a lot of memory-jolting experiences lately, having spent a week in San Francisco and a week in Tahoe. Being in San Francisco with the flexibility of my own car made it feel like living there again, swimming at the rowing club and eating burritos for dinner, but of course the city has changed so much since we lived there. Between the Paul memorial and the boat naming events, I bounced around and visited with friends and stopped by my old office, even rallied to make a costume and join a Halloween bar-crawl-run with the SERC runners.
I feel like during the last three weeks, an gradual emotional eclipse has been taking place. I had been looking ahead to the trip and the event, but not appreciating that it would feel like a sad milestone to pass. It doesn’t change my grief, but it made me feel like I can/should start picking up the pieces again. Going to Tahoe also felt like getting something out of my system. I have so many memories of being in Tahoe with Paul – winter and summer, skiing, swimming, and biking around the lake. Scattering his ashes at Squaw Valley felt a little foreign because it’s a place more familiar to him than to me, but it was another step ahead.
Also, as the cliche goes, life keeps happening. During my trip, Katrina, who has been deeply supportive in my grief situation, faced her own tragic loss. I learned of another SERC friend who has been experiencing serious health challenges. As I got back into work in Tahoe (we have a small office there) I was eased back into reality while I processed my sadness and started to make plans for the dreaded upcoming holidays.
Our 10 year anniversary just passed this week. 10 years ago on November 14, it was 85+ degrees in San Francisco when we got married in City Hall. The following day, we had a party at the pavilion in Mission Creek Park, and I insisted on wearing my wool wedding dress even though it was hot and sunny (Paul went casual). It’s strange to say the next 10 years ended on a high note, considering, but in terms of our relationship they did.
Nothing is easier now that I am feeling reality take back over my life; I think it is the opposite. This winter is going to be a challenge, and as the weather gets cold I wish I could stay inside and watch a marathon of terrible holiday movies with Paul.
How About Now? 