It’s only a number

And it’s the last day of 2018. I would expect to be ready to move on from a year that included so much grief and struggle, but honestly I’m sad to see it go. It’s silly to put so much meaning into the turn of a calendar year—besides, I still think in terms of school years and seasons, so why so much weight on this January 1st thing?

It’s handy, as a symbolic start time for all the optimistic plans I have to improve my life. Cue the montage soundtrack and picture me getting back on my bike, in the water, and to the gym, finishing projects around the house, developing a meditation practice, entering practical goals into my planner and referring back to it to cross them off as accomplished. I’ve already started these things over the last few months, but my energy towards them has been dull. I think I am relying on the self-imposed and conceptual constraints of January to kick me into gear.

But I don’t want to put a year behind me that had Paul in it. A year that included trips together and visits from friends. When there were times that he felt good and had a sense of humor about it all. When Marguerite captured this film of us which is probably the only video and voice record I will have of him, outside of a few voicemails. (I have not dared view it since he died) (but of course now I probably will) (I’ll finish writing this later) (might as well wait until the New Year.)

As sad as the events were, 2018 also included more time with people special to us than ever before, even the year we were married. I think I’m a little afraid to move on from that support, as if the new year will turn the page over.

Christmas this year was hard but peaceful and one of a kind. I was in New York with Paul’s family, my mom, and good friends. It was comforting to be there instead of wallowing at home, but every day something slammed me with a reminder of all of our time there for treatment, and the fun we had in between. In the coming years my holiday traditions will change, but for now I’m just finding my way through the big ones. Just like I’ll find my way through the next year (but with excellent planner use).