Endless Summer

Today is the one year mark. We make such a big deal about marking “anniversaries” and significant days; sometimes I think it is pointless. Today is not any different from any other day, and it is specifically not the same as last year on this date. So why do I feel so bad? Why am I torturing myself with some of the most painful memories I have? Why do I miss Paul more today than any other?

I guess the real point of marking these dates is for remembrance. I think it’s nice to establish a particular time that is dedicated to thinking about a person or an event even more than you might on a general basis. It’s up to me to decide how to honor it – I could get on with my work day and try to distract myself, or I could spend time recalling our last conversations, go for a bike ride and scatter some ashes, or declare a day for nurturing myself and others who loved him. (cue a vision of me and Karl lounging about and eating ice cream) In any case, I have come around – I don’t think it’s pointless.

I just returned from Portland, ME, where I competed in a SwimRun event with Alison. We were out at a wood fired pizza restaurant on Monday and the soundtrack from Endless Summer came on. Those tracks by the Sandals are the backbone of an extensive surf playlist that Paul created, and that is exactly what I played quietly on the stereo in the last days, when he was no longer speaking and his body was shutting down. To hear this on Monday was poignant timing.

I don’t believe in this sort of thing, but I do like to imagine Paul experiencing an endless Summer. Although if he had it his way, he would probably have chosen Fall.