All Saints’ Day

A few posts ago, I suggested that I like the ritual of designating certain days as times to give particular emphasis to memories of someone you lost. I don’t subscribe to any specific cultural ritual at the end of October, be it Halloween (although I do love costumes), or All Saints’ Day, or Dia de Muertos, but it gave me the idea that instead of focusing on the commercial holiday, I could think of it as another time to remember the people I have lost.

This Fall has been so spectacular, that it has me thinking about Paul constantly. (side note: are tear ducts always full of tears, ready to go? Do they take up a lot of space with all that salt water? Where is it held? How do they replenish so quickly?) He would have gone nuts for this crisp dry week we had, with beautiful colors and a good smell in the air – I like to think about healthy times when he would have been enjoying it on his mountain bike. I have missed him for weirdly specific reasons, like going out for dinner. I’ve got lots of people I could go eat with, but it was something I loved to do with him. But more generally, I would just like a hug from him. Many of you out there are good at this too, but he was THE BEST. It is painful for me to remember times that I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have, got short tempered or took him for granted. I could vow I won’t do that to anyone else but I know I cannot keep that promise.

I want him back. I want them all back – Andrew, my dad (another great hugger), and Paul. It doesn’t seem fair to lose so many male role models in the early half of my life. There are some things I’m glad they don’t have to endure today, things they would not BELIEVE have occurred. Example #1, our president. But the things I wish I could share with them far outweigh those unfortunate examples.