Backyard Sounds

I’m sitting in my back yard in a cheap plastic Adirondack chair, drinking a not-cheap margarita. Thoughts that run through my head: I am so very, very, bad at relaxing. Paul was so good at this. It’s not lost on me that I have adopted a dog who reflects all of my inner anxieties and pent up stress energy. I’m putting him inside because there is too much stimulation out here. There are so many bird noises! Paul would have helped me identify them, and would have uncovered a whole layer of calls that I hadn’t noticed before. What would Paul have to say about our new (ish) neighbors with their bafflingly large family and trampoline? He would be so proud that I filled two yard waste bins in a day. My next door neighbors are having mundane arguments but I wonder what they’re grilling. We really should rebuild that shed addition. Shit, I should really rebuild that shed addition.. Does tomorrow have to be Monday?

I have been missing Paul in a magnified way. Earlier, I thought it had to do with Covid-related home isolation, which is still part of it, but it’s also seasonal. Spring weekends were when Paul and I did the most together, cleaning up the yard and taking care of everything we had let go in the winter. It was always a time of ambitious plans, whether they be about updates to our house or summer travel. In more recent years I was the one doing the physical work, but Paul was always a key part of the inspiration.

In some ways, I am tackling things much more freely and aggressively than I would have if I wanted Paul’s input. I assume that is normal in most relationships; maybe not. But at the same time, without anyone else to influence me, I am more aware of my own ebbs and floods of motivation. I have major plans for this house, and it’s really daunting to take them on alone. Some weekends I don’t stop moving, and on others… I just can’t.

As I rode my bike up to my house last week, I was thinking about how much I miss Paul’s “boy” qualities. The motoring sound effects he might have made riding his bike up the walk and right up to the the side door, the names he would call me, and his affinity for all things mechanical. But also I miss the partnership. That trusted person to help motivate/inspire, to be mutually proud of accomplishments, and to lean on when I just can’t manage.

I want to remember this month and its beautiful weather because every year I have lived here, May has been incredible. Once Junuary comes, everyone forgets how nice May was. It’s also my birthday month. but I’ll never stop wishing Paul could be here to enjoy it. And for him to set up the hammock and teach me how to relax.